Monday, February 23, 2004
Lil' Miss Independent
hello. my name is mandy lam and i have been an addict for 22 years. i'm addicted to being too independent and not letting people in to help me and care for me. I have felt this way since as long as i can remember.
if I find myself able to do something on my own without the assistance of others, i will do it. i always learned about everything so i wouldn't have to ask for help - whether it be fixing things around the house or working with computers or cooking or even with school. in school, i find it very difficult to work in groups without being the one to delegate work and keep things in order. at home, i worry about bills that aren't even all my responsibility.
when someone offers to help me, i feel vulnerable to them - like they'll eventually want me to do something in return and i would do anything if i felt guilty enough. to feel like you owe someone something and they will eventually come to collect is such an insecure way to think...i don't know why this is what i think. have i completely lost faith in all people???
to be able to depend on someone, there has to be a certain amount of trust. trust that this person will come through for you, and trust that if they don't, there is always going to be a legitimate reason. there also has to be a certain level of understanding...to know that if you ask someone for help and they say no because they are busy, it is still okay to ask again at another time. it all depends on the person, too...if you have someone who is readily willing to give themself to you...you need to be willing too.
i always looked at dependency as a weakness...why do you have to depend on other people when you can do it all yourself...but I realize now...perhaps it's just about letting people in...
if I find myself able to do something on my own without the assistance of others, i will do it. i always learned about everything so i wouldn't have to ask for help - whether it be fixing things around the house or working with computers or cooking or even with school. in school, i find it very difficult to work in groups without being the one to delegate work and keep things in order. at home, i worry about bills that aren't even all my responsibility.
when someone offers to help me, i feel vulnerable to them - like they'll eventually want me to do something in return and i would do anything if i felt guilty enough. to feel like you owe someone something and they will eventually come to collect is such an insecure way to think...i don't know why this is what i think. have i completely lost faith in all people???
to be able to depend on someone, there has to be a certain amount of trust. trust that this person will come through for you, and trust that if they don't, there is always going to be a legitimate reason. there also has to be a certain level of understanding...to know that if you ask someone for help and they say no because they are busy, it is still okay to ask again at another time. it all depends on the person, too...if you have someone who is readily willing to give themself to you...you need to be willing too.
i always looked at dependency as a weakness...why do you have to depend on other people when you can do it all yourself...but I realize now...perhaps it's just about letting people in...
