Monday, March 08, 2004
Calm After the Storm (a blog on fighting)
I had an interesting conversation with my mother today about fighting. I told her that my bf and I sometimes have heated arguments about little things. Don't sweat the small stuff, right? Although she pointed out the fact that I can be unreasonable sometimes, she said that sometimes fighting makes the relationship better. Odd??
I thought about it some more and I know that I've said this before too. Fighting does make the relationship stronger - depends on how you work out the problem. In every relationship, there are issues with insecurity, consideration, disclosure and much much more. If you avoid talking about these problems, it will NEVER go away - in fact, it will fester and forever be a part of the relationship. Besides, the best part of fighting is making up afterwards, right?
There is something about making up that is very passionate. After everything has been let out, there is a lot of anger and bitterness in the open. There is also a lot of regret and worry. All these emotions at once can remind anyone that they are only human. We are made out of these emotions... we are not robots. I think that a relationship that is worry-free cannot be a real one - nor a passionate one. Let me explain.
In first year, I met a wonderful gf who lived next door. She had a bf who she said never liked to fight with her... and she quickly got bored of him...wondering if there was someone else out there for her. She said that he constantly agreed with everything she said and kept apologizing whenever she was angry. She was smart enough to know that her relationship was really going to turn out unsatisfying if it continued that way. We've had long talks in first year and longer talks when we lived together again in third year... and I've learned so much from her. They eventually got back together and are really serious about each other. The time apart made her realize that she needed to stop looking for flaws and yelling at him and really start to talk to him about what bothers her. For him, I think it made him realize that being a pushover wasn't going to get him anywhere with her. I am happy to say that they are probably one of the happiest couples I know.. and it is real...and frequent updates tell me that they do fight.. but they always manage to make-up just fine.
When I say that a relationship that is "fight-less" is not passionate, I mean that it lacks the passion that comes from learning more about each other after a heated argument. When you are upset, when you are angry...you're letting out the emotions that you don't show to everybody....it is important for your partner to see you in that light...it is so important. It is also important to know that your partner is capable of saying "I'm sorry" but also capable of standing up for what he/she wants. Sometimes I think "compromising" too often means that someone is NOT getting what they want and settling for something in between. It's not about winning or losing - because I honestly think that when two people fight, they both lose...there is no winning. The winning part comes when you both make up and deal with the issues..it's a two way street.
I am not promoting fighting with your significant other...but I think that a relationship that lacks the fighting isn't a realistic one...and it will quickly go array. It depends on the couple too...some couples fight louder than others...and some like to fight in private..everyone is different. The important thing is to know when it's worth it... and when it's not... to put up a fight for what you want. Compromising what you want to please someone else can only lead to unhappiness in the end.
I thought about it some more and I know that I've said this before too. Fighting does make the relationship stronger - depends on how you work out the problem. In every relationship, there are issues with insecurity, consideration, disclosure and much much more. If you avoid talking about these problems, it will NEVER go away - in fact, it will fester and forever be a part of the relationship. Besides, the best part of fighting is making up afterwards, right?
There is something about making up that is very passionate. After everything has been let out, there is a lot of anger and bitterness in the open. There is also a lot of regret and worry. All these emotions at once can remind anyone that they are only human. We are made out of these emotions... we are not robots. I think that a relationship that is worry-free cannot be a real one - nor a passionate one. Let me explain.
In first year, I met a wonderful gf who lived next door. She had a bf who she said never liked to fight with her... and she quickly got bored of him...wondering if there was someone else out there for her. She said that he constantly agreed with everything she said and kept apologizing whenever she was angry. She was smart enough to know that her relationship was really going to turn out unsatisfying if it continued that way. We've had long talks in first year and longer talks when we lived together again in third year... and I've learned so much from her. They eventually got back together and are really serious about each other. The time apart made her realize that she needed to stop looking for flaws and yelling at him and really start to talk to him about what bothers her. For him, I think it made him realize that being a pushover wasn't going to get him anywhere with her. I am happy to say that they are probably one of the happiest couples I know.. and it is real...and frequent updates tell me that they do fight.. but they always manage to make-up just fine.
When I say that a relationship that is "fight-less" is not passionate, I mean that it lacks the passion that comes from learning more about each other after a heated argument. When you are upset, when you are angry...you're letting out the emotions that you don't show to everybody....it is important for your partner to see you in that light...it is so important. It is also important to know that your partner is capable of saying "I'm sorry" but also capable of standing up for what he/she wants. Sometimes I think "compromising" too often means that someone is NOT getting what they want and settling for something in between. It's not about winning or losing - because I honestly think that when two people fight, they both lose...there is no winning. The winning part comes when you both make up and deal with the issues..it's a two way street.
I am not promoting fighting with your significant other...but I think that a relationship that lacks the fighting isn't a realistic one...and it will quickly go array. It depends on the couple too...some couples fight louder than others...and some like to fight in private..everyone is different. The important thing is to know when it's worth it... and when it's not... to put up a fight for what you want. Compromising what you want to please someone else can only lead to unhappiness in the end.
