Wednesday, August 11, 2004
The Arrangement of a Marriage
I met a friend of mine over the weekend and she broke the news to me that she was getting arranged to get married next year. For some reason, I got over the initial shock fairly quickly and was then filled with curiosity soon after. In my culture, there are many arranged marriages that work. The majority of my uncles and aunts are arranged and well.. are still together. That's got to speak for something, right?
I found myself admiring her for keeping her traditions and having enough faith in her family to find her someone to marry. When we worked together, she, like I, was totally boy-crazy and giggled at the sight of every good-looking patient that walked through the door. And now looking back, it seemed so wrong!
I think the stigma attached to arranged marriages is the fact that choice is illiminated and free will is tampered with. And also, that the notion of romantic love is non-existent. I don't think that is particularly true. In fact, in my recent Sex, Marriage and Family course, I've learned that the reason there is such a high divorce rate in North America is because people are too entrenched in this notion of romantic love that expectations of a perfect marriage soar through the roof once a couple is married.
Being in an arranged marriage doesn't mean that there isn't love. It's just more of a business arrangment and parents tend to look at status and values rather than personality and romantic ability. It's a better match, I think.. perhaps because the relationship makes more sense. Most people who are in arranged marriages STAY in those marriages... because there is more than just love keeping them together. We could learn from their staying power and determination to make the relationship work - whether it be for economic or social reasons.
I look at the example of my grandparents who were arranged. Although they bicker at each other here and there, they generally get a long very well and there is a deep caring that has developed in the 50+ years that that they have been together. There is dedication, forgiveness and an understanding that no one else can decode.
In the end, how much of this choice is ours, though? Even if you are not in an arranged marriage, do your parents and close friends not help you determine if someone is the right one for you? Do we not look to them for guidance, acceptance and advice? How much of this "free choice" is really free?
I found myself admiring her for keeping her traditions and having enough faith in her family to find her someone to marry. When we worked together, she, like I, was totally boy-crazy and giggled at the sight of every good-looking patient that walked through the door. And now looking back, it seemed so wrong!
I think the stigma attached to arranged marriages is the fact that choice is illiminated and free will is tampered with. And also, that the notion of romantic love is non-existent. I don't think that is particularly true. In fact, in my recent Sex, Marriage and Family course, I've learned that the reason there is such a high divorce rate in North America is because people are too entrenched in this notion of romantic love that expectations of a perfect marriage soar through the roof once a couple is married.
Being in an arranged marriage doesn't mean that there isn't love. It's just more of a business arrangment and parents tend to look at status and values rather than personality and romantic ability. It's a better match, I think.. perhaps because the relationship makes more sense. Most people who are in arranged marriages STAY in those marriages... because there is more than just love keeping them together. We could learn from their staying power and determination to make the relationship work - whether it be for economic or social reasons.
I look at the example of my grandparents who were arranged. Although they bicker at each other here and there, they generally get a long very well and there is a deep caring that has developed in the 50+ years that that they have been together. There is dedication, forgiveness and an understanding that no one else can decode.
In the end, how much of this choice is ours, though? Even if you are not in an arranged marriage, do your parents and close friends not help you determine if someone is the right one for you? Do we not look to them for guidance, acceptance and advice? How much of this "free choice" is really free?
