..:: Pieces of Mandy ::..

Last night I had a weird dream that I was pregnant. I was all alone...big-bellied, sad and happy all that the same time. Everybody saw that I was pregnant but I could only envision it...when I looked in the mirror, I still had a flat stomach...everybody else knew what I didn't know.

I was sad because I was alone - then my family showed up and took care of me. They all wanted it to be a boy. I remember waking up and feeling terrified...feeling like I wasn't going to be a good mother! I was happy because I was going to bring another human being into the world...and he/she would be beautiful no matter what.

I think this dream had something to do with my fears and hopes- exemplified. I had a long conversation with my bf's mother yesterday about how hard it is to be a mother - how sometimes, even when your children are hurting, you cannot help them. That sometimes, it's hard to LIKE your children, but you cannot leave them. That sometimes, your children say hurtful things and you cannot stop loving them.

Mothers definitely have a different type of love than anybody I've ever known. My mother, for example, has gone through a tremendous amount of rebellion from ALL three of us kids... and she does not hesitate to wait up at night for us to come home. She sleeps better knowing we are all safe and have come home to her.

I used to say that I didn't want children - heck, I didn't even want to get married. But the more I think about it and the older I get, I can feel myself preparing for motherhood. It scares me, of course, because I can through a million "what-if's." Although it may be a long time coming, I know that I will be a good one - I've had great examples to learn from.